Men’s Mental Health Month

June is Men’s Mental Health Month, and while I’m not sure of what it all entails, any initiative that raises awareness about mental health is a win.

We’re all familiar with the male stereotype of being the strong, silent type, where they endure hardship and keep their emotions bottled up inside. I don’t know when both sexes started expecting men to suppress their feelings until they explode.

My father learned from his father, and my grandfather learned from his father; My father passed all this modeled behavior down to me. When boys observe what they perceive as mental toughness from their dads, followed by outbursts of devastating anger, they believe that’s how to cope with life’s ups and downs. It’s the classic monkey-see, monkey-do behavior.

But what about men who like to talk about their feelings? People label some men as whiners or complainers, tell them to suck it up, and use all kinds of slurs to make them feel less like men.

What does this do? Makes them less likely to talk, as the pressure cooker builds inside.

Let’s see if we can change that.   

Men And Mental Health

People throw around the term mental health a lot, but what does it mean?

Mental health is the state of your emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It’s how you think, feel, and behave that impacts how you handle stress, relate to others, and make decisions. The three branches of the same entail:

Emotional: The ability to cope with life’s ups and downs without being overwhelmed.

Psychological: Having a stable, realistic view of yourself and the world, and being able to adapt to change and adversity.

Social: Your ability to build and maintain healthy relationships and ask for help when needed.

Seeing we are on the subject of men, how does men’s mental health differ from women’s? As discussed above, men are more likely to:

Suppress emotions: Due to learned behavior and cultural expectations.

Externalize distress: Shows up as anger, irritability, substance abuse, or risk-taking instead of sadness or anxiety.

She’ll be right, mate, attitude: Deny anything is wrong, even when they’re struggling.

Men often bottle things up due to stigma, fear of showing weakness, or not knowing how to talk about their issues. These factors led to men experiencing mental illness differently from women. Men don’t often report the classic symptoms of depression and anxiety, but have fatigue, trouble sleeping, or losing interest in work or hobbies. (1)

As a result, men are at higher risk for suicide and are more likely to suffer from substance abuse disorders to cope with unresolved stress or emotional pain. (2) & (3)

Times are a-changin, but that hasn’t made a dent in the suicide rate in the USA, where around 750 men take their own lives each week.

Other Mental Health Factors

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Do you remember that childhood saying when somebody told you to sing this to your bullies?

But names do hurt.

They cut deep and make you feel less than you are.

You hear those names often enough that you start to believe you are those things, even if you’re not. These minor emotional nicks can leave a lasting mark. Dr. Gabor Mate writes about how both big and small trauma leave scars because our bodies keep score. When we leave trauma unresolved, ignore it, and bottle it up, it often shows up later as autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, terminal illness, or addiction.

What’s described is minor trauma, but think about men who have lost their loved ones, been on the battlefield, and been physically and mentally scarred from the experience. Let’s not discount childhood abuse, accidents, not knowing your parents, or losing them at an early age.

Emotional scars that fester will eventually damage a man’s mental health.

When men speak up about their struggles and others dismiss them, or when they don’t get the help they need, it’s no surprise they fall into depression, overindulge, or take drastic actions.

My Mental Health Struggles

I’ve been fortunate enough never to suffer from depression or excessive anxiety. Although in my early partying days, I was a semi-regular drug user and often drank a lot of alcohol, I’ve never struggled with addiction.  

My father was verbally and physically abusive towards me during parts of my childhood. However, the 1970s were a different era, and people may have perceived that kind of behavior as more acceptable then. My parents’ divorce, the way my dad treated my mom, the bullying I faced at school, and his death more than 30 years ago, all of it eventually took a toll on my mental health.

Then, those around me were struggling.

My mother experienced a period of depression after the divorce. I suspect my father was bipolar, which explains his erratic behavior. Doctors diagnosed my brother with bipolar disorder, and someone abused my youngest sister during her childhood.

Then, the dreaded word suicide became part of my vocabulary. My brother attempted suicide three times and came pretty close all three times. It is only by the grace of God that he is still with us. Out of the blue, seven years ago, a friend committed suicide, which I learnt on Facebook.

He did an excellent job concealing his depression from everyone, including his former wife.

Combining my friend’s death with moving to a new town, starting a new business, my oldest son struggling with his demons, COVID, and the in-laws questioning how I was trying to make a living, my mental health became a shit show. Instead of discussing it, I suppressed my emotions, externalized my distress, and when confronted about it, I denied that anything was wrong.

What To Do About It

In my opinion, men’s mental health is at a crossroads.

The men I connect with on social media discuss suicide and idealize how it might feel to take their lives. More men than women struggle with addiction, and men commit more heinous, violent crimes against both sexes. The media sensationalizes these crimes and dismisses some these men as bat shit crazy.

Some men get the idea that this looks like a terrific way to take their anger out on the world, and then the cycle continues.

Early diagnosis and medication, if needed, are only parts of the men’s mental health picture. But more than ever, men need a conversation and a healthy outlet to express their frustrations. The people in men’s lives need to ditch the old, outdated stereotype that men need to bottle their emotions and listen to them.

The moment I acknowledged I had a problem and sought talk therapy was the exact moment my physical and mental health improved. That’s the power of conversation and professional help. Many men cannot afford professional help, but that doesn’t mean they cannot feel better if someone provides them with a helping hand. 

Men now more than ever need to be heard and not dismissed. The next time a man opens up to you, use your two ears and one mouth to listen without judgment. 

If you cannot take it seriously, how can you expect society to do the same?

If you need to reach me, you can find me here. However, if you require professional help, this is a good starting point.